guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
