I think I won the penis lottery.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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