her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
