i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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