Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
