Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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