The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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