Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
