drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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