the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
