Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
