I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize