I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
