I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
