She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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