Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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