This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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