dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
