I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
It was confusing and full of hummus
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
