I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
