My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
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I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
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But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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