just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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