I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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