It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
