Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
