Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
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