you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
