Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
