so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
