I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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