the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
