I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
