they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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