Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
