Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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