i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
