Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
