i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
