The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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