I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
