new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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