I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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