i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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