i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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