Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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