I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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