It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
