Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
