This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
