literally had 100 drinks last night.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
