I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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