Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Im just a social blackout drinker.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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