Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
