He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
