I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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