i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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