apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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