I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
