$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
