Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
